You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you. – Joseph Campbell
The thought of even doing this scares me to my very core. Or at least what's left of it.
When you lose someone important in your life, you don't just lose that person; You lose the whole life associated with that person. And sometimes that's not very much, and sometimes...well, sometimes, it's more than you could've even imagined while they were still alive.
I grieve the loss of the children I will never have. Nowadays when I see little kids, I look for Chantz in them. It's silly I know, because they obviously look like their parents. Not him...or me. When I think about dying, or just not wanting to exist anymore, I think about the children I yet may still have, and the people who would grieve the loss of children that look like me. I don't know my future kids but I need to be here for them, don't I? I already love them, as ridiculous as that may sound. But I feel this overwhelming grief over the children Chantz and I were supposed to have one day. And we didn't even want to have kids until much later but it's as if I already knew them..even if it was ten years ahead. I'm not even a big kid person, as this may make me sound...but there's just something about lost possibilities that makes you yearn for them even more.We would spend time picturing and attributing them with our physical traits. We wondered what type of kids they'd be and what type of parents we would be. They would never be able to get away with anything because we were really rebellious kids and we knew all the moves. Chantz was going to be such a good father. He was going to be a jokester. He was going to teach them about music, science, bugs, plants and football. If we had boys he was going to teach them how to be handy inside and outside the house, and how to work on cars. (Chantz wanted to have a house that would one day be displayed in one of those house magazines. No joke.) If we had a girl, she was going to be his little princess. We both knew that just from the way he treated his beautiful younger cousin Maria. Like the little princess she is. He was also going to get them the teeny-tiny-piece legos instead of the big chunky ones so they could learn how to make intricate designs just like he did when he was a little boy. I was going to make them into giant bookworms, and teach them about amazing literature, art, psychology and philosophy. I was going to make sure they learned at least three languages and teach them about vegeterianism right away..hoping they would choose to become that on their own. He was going to play jokes on them just like his dad did all the time. One of my favorites was that when he was a little kid and they'd go to the grocery store and Chantz would be in the shopping cart his dad would push him and let go and start screaming "OH NO! I can't catch you...you're going too fast!" This would make little boy Chantz flip out thinking his dad would never catch up to him. He was looking forward to doing that. We would laugh every time that story was brought up. He was going to tell his kids all about his life, and be open with him, something he wished his dad had done with him. You were going to be a wonderful father Chantz.
Regardless of their feelings toward me, I miss his family, and even though my relationship with his parents had reached a limit toward the end of Chantz's life I still care about them. I love those who he loved. I miss his little cousins who we took to Six Flags the weekend before he passed away. I miss his dogs, Daisy and Weezy. His car, that he was so proud of. His room, I always felt safe in his man cave as he liked to call it. I miss hearing about his brother's life. About his friend's lives. A lot of people knew him...but he only cared for a handful..and those are the ones I miss. I miss our goodnights, and daily talks. Even our stupid fights. I miss that he understood my darkness...probably the only one thus far. And our humor....god, no one else gets it. And that bothers me.
I miss that he got along with my brother and that when the three of us would hang out, they would gang up on me. My family loved him and he loved them..I miss having him over for family get togethers. I miss that he wanted to learn Spanish and I would refuse because he only used it for evil, as I liked to call it. Or that he would call me up and tell me a random fact he had just thought of or learned. I miss how he ate like a beast and a child at the same time. He would put sugar in his frosted flakes. And chocolate powder in his ice cream alongside sugar, and chocolate syrup. He called it "The Monster Creation." It was disgusting. But for him, it was the best thing on earth.
I miss having someone to complain about the smallest discomforts, and hearing about his. I miss hearing I am loved and knowing it's true.
It's not just the person...it's a whole life that's gone.
And I used to feel selfish for missing that for myself, but I've learned that it's okay to grieve for the life I had and the one I will never have.
I don't think I can ever look ahead the way I used to.
I never made Chantz my life, nor my sole purpose in life. I had dreams, friends, goals, and passions. In other words, a fulfilling life completely independent from him. He was a big part of it, but he wasn't my life. But since he left, it almost seems like he was my only reason for being. But, that's the grief talking.
(For anyone out there who's going through this, please know that eventually you start remembering that there were other things that made your life complete. Even if it seems impossible to believe right now. The loss is just so profound that it makes everything else seem meaningless. It's normal, even if it doesn't feel like it)
Can I be happy living with your ghost?....maybe one day.
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