Thursday, February 26, 2015

On being the perpetual girlfriend

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple of years now but have always struggled to articulate my feelings.  Back then, it was still something I was trying to figure out but it was also during a time where everything I wrote was completely raw, unedited and published before propriety caught up to me. Maybe it's the fact that I recently got engaged to this incredible, funny, supportive man and had to reconcile my feelings about this current love, and my past love, or that inspiration finally caught up to me, but I want to share about  the kind of relationships that never officially end due to death, the ones without closure, but must transform lest you never move forward in life.

When your boyfriend dies, especially at a young age, it's extremely difficult to have that validated. Many will express their thoughts, wanted or not...who am I kidding? always unwanted, and make some well meaning but misguided remarks like "you will love again," "you're lucky it happened at such a young age," and "at least you weren't married" to name a few. But here's the thing: comments like that completely invalidate the pain, grief and love you feel for this person you lost. Of course I had hopes to love again and knew it would happen in the future, but was that the point? No. When I fell in love again did it mean that I stopped feeling the pain and absence of Chantz? Let me clarify- absolutely not. Does the fact that it happened when I was young limit the pain, profound grief and trauma I experienced? Again...no. It took me a long time to take ownership of what my relationship with Chantz was to be, and comments like that never helped, but I know it was a journey I needed to take and something I needed to define for myself.
Being the girlfriend of someone who's no longer here feels like limbo. You weren't married, so you're not widowed.You didn't break up, so it's not like you think of that person as an 'ex', although many called me that to my never-ending frustration. But you also can't continue to be that person's significant other, because it keeps you from moving forward in your own life and considering the possibility of a new and future love. And of course, you can't have a relationship with someone who's not there despite many attempts, believe me.

So where did that leave me?

There were so many feelings of guilt associated with making the transition of being the girlfriend to whatever he was to be for the rest of my life. I remember talking to someone that considered themselves a widowed girlfriend, so I gave myself that title for a while, and realized right away that it wasn't for me. Chantz wasn't just a boyfriend, or a first love...although those titles are right and I currently refer to him as my first love. But he was also my best friend. The person I loved best.

To state the obvious here, when someone dies, parents, siblings, spouses, and friends lose that person. Parents will always be parents; so will siblings, friends and other familial relationships- and those are so highly validated as they clearly should be, but when you're the only person that has to change the relationship label and have no one to show you how, it's hard to make progress in your own path.

And really, what's the big deal?
Why does it matter that I had to find the right title for my relationship with a dead man?
In the end, he was gone, and label or not that would never change.
Why was I making such a fuss if I was just the girlfriend? his parents, brother and childhood friends lost so much more, and even though their relationship label didn't change, their entire lives were changed the night Chantz took his own life.
Well, the big deal is that it's impossible to heal, and be open to any romantic love if you can't transform the relationship that didn't officially end into something else, whatever it is that you need it to be. It's a big deal because I never wanted to take away anyone's validation or put myself on the same level as others who lost so much more. It's a big deal, because we all need closure, and in this situation you never get it- not counting the closure we will never get from the loss itself, the unanswered questions and the way it all played out.

It's been a long time since I've had to make this change, but I think it's worth noting for two reasons. One being that words are powerful. When we are faced with being a support system for someone going through a hard season in their lives, sometimes the best thing to do is just to be there. I know we find ourselves scrambling for words, trying to make it all better, then we panic- and word vomit comes out. It's human and we've all been there. But I think it's important to note that the most powerful statement you can ever make is just to show up and be there. No one's expecting a magical phrase to make it all better, and really, it's best to consider whether your words will do more harm than good.
The second reason being that the coping, healing, transforming and loving once more...all of it-  it's completely natural. I know it sounds obvious, but for those of us who have to walk this path, it feels like a betrayal. Like people, or that person, if they were able to, will think you stopped loving and caring they're gone. It's a really hard transition, and when you fall in love sooner than you ever expected to, it floors and makes you feel like a horrible person. Instead of seeing it as a gift from the universe, you doubt and push that love away. The thing is, when you do fall in love again it has to be with someone that will respect that love, and support it.  You must also be kind with yourself but most of all, you need to give your heart the time it needs to be ready to love again, and to figure out where this lost love will be in your heart forever. For some, it needs to stay silent and put away, for others it needs to be remembered, watered, and nourished. As for me, I walk with Chantz daily in my heart, as a reminder of who he was, our love, and with memories that I hope to never forget, but also with steady and hopeful eyes into the future.

Be gentle with yourself, you are coming home to yourself