23

The anticipation of this birthday has been somewhat tougher than last year's. I think it has to do with the fact that your absence is a concrete fact in my life now, and that it will be for the rest of time.
It has been a wonderful and hectic year as well, filled with so much healing, love, and creating a new life for myself, but my heart has been very heavy for a few weeks now.
Our 20's are supposed to be wonderful, and carefree. A time when we are open to every possibility this world has to offer. A time when we can pursue any path we choose and not suffer the severe consequences of our mistakes. A time when we make friends as young adults that could possibly lead to friendships of a lifetime. A time to fall in and out of love, and that be the worst thing that could happen to us. A time when we feel invincible, as we will never feel the bitter sting of loss or death. A time to travel and start over as many times as we may choose. A time to be poor as dirt, and be okay with it. A time to truly take flight and do everything and anything we want. Our youth is so precious, and to not spend every ounce of it on life is an abomination.
I can only imagine all the paths you would've taken. And today, I will think of you and carry you in my heart as I do daily, but I will not mourn you. You taught me so much about life, death, love and loss, and I'm still amazed at everything you teach me daily. Your life was short, but you lived with such ferocity. I will remember that today.

Happy Birthday Chantz, I miss you daily and love you dearly.

Benefit #2

This has to matter. It has to make some sort of change...a slight difference, even if it's just for one individual.

you are never alone. http://www.twloha.com/

Friend

One year. Ten months.

How was I able to make it to the point where I could walk on my own two feet again? Where I could think about life more than death. To where I could put unanswerable questions behind me and look forward to life.
So much has been because of you.

When I could see nothing but the darkness that engulfed my very soul, you reminded me that there was a beautiful life before all of this, and one after, filled with so much beauty, happiness, and kindness, because and in spite of this.
When everyone said that it was "time to move on," you stood by my side and told me to take all the time I needed. But when necessary, you gave me a gentle push here and there, reminding me to put one foot in front of the other.
As time moves forward, and everyone else forgets, as they always seem to do, you still know what's going on in the depths of my mind regardless of the silence. You know when I'm lost in a memory, or a regret. Or a simple thought of one long gone.
You refuse to let me live in fear, justified or not, and remind me of that fearless person I once was.

Friend,
You were always there, and I wish I could express what that has meant to me every day. My heart is so full from having first experienced the healing power of love, and I wouldn't have made it here today if it weren't for you.
This is for you,
I love you.

                                                               

                                                                               

June.

You've missed out on so much living. It still strikes me when I think about how long it's been since you last were here.