Friday, August 19, 2011

California

    There's something very liberating about being in a place where no one knows your story. It's how I felt when I went to New Orleans back in March, but this time, it's more powerful. On a whim, I decided to road trip to California with a close of friend of mine to get away from Texas for a few days. This is the third thing I've followed through with in the past year. And only the second that I've done for myself.

The first was the benefit concert

    The second was actually finishing and doing well in a school term this summer since all of this, only leaving me with two more semesters till I graduate. School has been meaningless for so long, and it still seems that way sometimes but...well, I'm still working on how to finish that sentence.

    And this trip is my third...my way of reminding myself that I need to move forward and be okay with doing things without Chantz, and also to get away from Texas and the weight the memories of last year seem to hold. It's been tough, I catch myself thinking that he should be here, or wondering where I would be instead if he were still alive. I try not to look back, but that's the only place where I still see him. So far, this trip has been what I needed. It's been a mess with so many roadblocks along the way, but it's been a wonderful experience.I find myself just seeing what's going to happen next and  being open to it. I don't need to be in control, I just need to live and enjoy doing so.
    I know I've accomplished more than three things thus far..it's been a million little things in the last year, that really are huge accomplishments, but these three things are short term goals I've made for myself and followed through with. It may not sound like the biggest thing, but to me, it's huge. I'm piecing my life back together with fulfilling experiences, and that's just wonderful to me.


    Traveling is what really helps my soul the most, every time I do it, it feels lighter, as if I'm leaving parts of this load in each place I visit and bring a part of that place with me in return.

xxx


Freedom.
I've been trapped in a situation I had no control over. Yes.
But I've also been liberated from everything else...social norms, expecations as to how I should live my life. From the fear of showing love to those around me. From what we are told is meaningful in this world.
Freedom is choosing to live for the sake of living.

San Diego Beach


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Why the Willow Weeps


It weeps for you late at night, when sleep does not come easily.
It weeps for the one you miss.
 It weeps for the dreams on the tips of your fingers.
 It weeps for appointments missed and it weeps for the tears in your pillow.
 It weeps for the silence and it weeps for the noise.
 It weeps for formal letters where once, language was spoken as close to your ear as possible.
 It weeps for betrayal, intended or not.
It weeps for the friends you once were.
 It weeps for the colours faded.
 It weeps for sunrise.
 It weeps for a death in the family and it weeps when a baby is born.
It weeps for the last time you touched.
 It weeps for words that can never be taken back.
It weeps so hard and so much and so often.
 So you don’t have to.
So you can carry on. It weeps for you.
When you have run out of weeping.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

one year

A year ago today Chantz committed suicide.

suicide.

What an ugly word.
For a while, I coulnd't even bring myself to say it.

One moment you were there...and the second, you were just..gone.
I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I was the last person to see you and hear your voice, and if I had just known that that was the last time I'd ever hear it, I wouldn't have gotten off the phone. I would've told you I loved you so much, more than you knew. That you needed to be here. That I'd never recover or be happy about the fact that you didn't exist anymore. You were my Chantz...

So for whoever reads this, please don't hold back on showing those you love just how much they mean to you. Don't be afraid...fear is meaningless and a deceiver. You never want to look back and regret not having loved as much as you could've.
Looking back, that's the one thing I know I dont have to regret...I told him I loved him all the time and I showed it in the best way I could, failing miserably at times of course. But I never held back, and neither did he. But if I had known, I would've spent all these years loving him and being happy instead of focusing on the most meaningless and arbitrary things at times. I hate that I know this now. I always think that if I had been the way I  am now then he'd probably be here. Again with the 'what if's'

This enitre year I've managed  to survive by living in the past and present. Im sure I've said that a lot already. In the past, I could look back and remember what I was doing a year ago with Chantz. But starting tomorrow, if I look back, I will only see me and my grief......he's really gone.
But it doesn't mean I'm alone.

A year ago today I met with one of my best friends for coffee because he had come to Fort Worth from Austin. We talked about how I was really excited to move in with Chantz the next day. And how we were both happier than ever before. That Chantz's last day at his internship was that day and things were working out just fine. I remember that I was going to buy a dresser and getting Chantz's help to load it later that evening. I remember it was a really pretty day, not as infernally hot as today, and then it started pouring. The apocalypse kind that lasted till around ten at night. I remember stressing out over last minute things. Over money. Over my mother. I remember what I was wearing, what you looked like, the last time we kissed, not knowing it would be the last. It was just a simple kiss, like we had done it a thousand times and were used to it. It was sweet, but if I had known it was the last how I would've made it last longer. I would've looked at every little feature to make sure that the faulty camera in my mind would never forget anything about you. Even though I didn't know that...I still remember every detail. Of the night as well. From the simple and beautiful to the most horrific thing I've ever seen in my life. Things I wish I could erase from my mind will always be there. The good with the bad. It's how it goes.

On August 7th, I was in shock.
I woke up after a few hours of medicated sleep. I remember I had a dream that Chantz and I broke up, and in the dream that was the worst thing that could happen. It was such a heartbreaking dream. When I woke up I was so happy that it had been just a dream and I was back in real life, and for the life of me I couldnt remember the night before...the garage, his body, the police, the hospital..
I grabbed my phone and I had messages from various people giving me their condolences and saying they were there if I needed anything...then I remembered. It didn't feel real, it wasnt real. And how did they already know about this fictional event? How did word get out?
How could people know about something that wasn't even true?

I remember smoking about 6 packs of cigarettes that weekend. and drinking arizona tea. Stephanie brought me a ridiculous amount of homemade Mac & Cheese that I couldn't eat. I remember thinking that if I was hungry then it meant that I didn't care about the situation, so I wouldn't eat. I remember Caroline was still in California, the one person that I wanted to see the most. I remember Iris calling saying she was on her way, the one person I didn't expect that from. I remember looking at a picture of Chantz at all times as if I would forget him if I stopped looking at him for a second. I remember I looked like crap, and didn't shower. I remember an old bible study teacher showing up and wanting to read the bible, and me saying no. I remember the look of hurt surprise on his face when I told him that Chantz didn't even believe in god.
I got a lot of flowers that weekend, it was a really nice gesture, but I still don't get why people get flowers when people die..is it because they just dont know what else to do? Why dont people give flowers for no reason at all except just to brighter their day? That would be nice.
I think I will go buy myself some flowers this week, Chantz got me daisies all the time. He was the only one who got me the burnt orangey red kind and I've refused to get those or any flower for that matter since. 
I stopped doing a lot of things because then it would mean that said things weren't done last with Chantz.
You kind of stop living that way...

This past year people have asked me if I've heard about this or that on the news...about celebrity gossip, politics, new wars, etc....and no..I haven't heard about any of these things.
I don't expect people to remember every second of every day as to what happened in my life, but unfortunately when your world is turned upside down, you don't really hear about anything else that's going on in the world around you. I feel like for a while now I've been having to play catch up about the world and existence around us.

It's been a year filled with:

shock
non-stop sleep
denial
conspiracy theories
rage
panic
tears
drugs
alcohol
friends
hate
guilt
guilt
guilt guilt guilt
fear
nightmares
meds
doubts
therapy
hauntings
carelessness
rebirth
traveling
new----everything
longing
aching
sobbing
writing
music
dejection
insomnia
searching
waiting
talking
and talking some more
a new vision
loneliness
fearlessness
an abundance of love
confusion
repetition
unanswered questions
escaping
exhaustion
rejection
loss


and
acceptance.

It's been the longest and most painful year of my life.
And I share because I would like people to know who he was, what he meant to me, and hopefully to help in any way I can in preventing from this happening to someone else.
I used to hate the fact that it seemed like this was another lesson I had to learn. It's like he was reduced to that. But that's not true either...I can learn from this but it doesn't take away from the fact that he was a person, with passions, a history, life, love, demons, quirks, habits, flaws, dreams, etc. just because he's not anymore. He was flesh and blood. Not a concept to learn from.

If you can inspire, then do it.

A few months after Chantz's death a friend asked me if someone asked me what I had gotten/learned from the entire situation what I would say. I told her "nothing."
It was the truth.

Now a year later I have a different response:

I would say to love. love love love love love. That it's okay that I ache for Chantz and miss him, and that I let myself do it every time it happens. But then I send all that love his way and let it go. You can't spend your life not living just because someone's left this world.
I would say (this I came to last night) to not spend your love and life on the dead, but on the living. I still love you, and always will. But I know that I've spent the majority of this year not loving the people who I can still show love to. I would say that I'm still getting used to seeing with these new eyes, but that I see what's important in this existence and I am so very happy about that. I would say that I didn't think there was much death around me, then I experienced it myself. Now I see death everywhere. It's not that I look for it, but my eyes have been opened to something that's always been there. As morbid as that may sound, it just reminds me that even in that we're not alone. And it's even more of a reminder to LIVE as much as you can. I would say that I've made incredible progress in just the last couple of months and I am amazed and SO happy about that. I would say that happy days are more than possible. And that moving forward is not a betrayal or a dishonor to him. To expect the unexpected and don't be surprised when you find yourself bawling your eyes out in a public setting because you saw something that reminded you of that person. Meaning, that it never goes away. You just learn how to walk with it. I would  say there is not a wrong way to grieve and to own it and go through every process. Don't let others define it for you, because they are more than likely trying to make themselves feel comfortable about the situation instead of trying to help. To not expect to be "over it" or to answer the questions that don't make sense...but that VERY slowly but surely, you accept that those questions wont ever be answered. That eventually you do stop crying every day, even if it's eight months down the road. I would say that the world is still a wonderful place, and that there are many who are willing to carry you and drag you so you don't stay behind. Those people are more than worth investing in.


Just one year. It feels like a lifetime...I'm not who I used to be. The world has changed and it keeps changing every minute. Yet, it's been only a year.
I miss you, and I still Wish You Were Here
One of our favorite songs...I remember the last time you played it for me last July. I remember my host sister playing it when I was in Spain and how much it made me miss you. I remember hearing it on my way to the airport this past December and thinking it was your way of talking to me.
I never thought those words would become an anthem to my soul. That I would sincerely know the depth those four words can mean.
I love you sweet Chantz.

Today,
I am up and downm and missing you so much..but unlike last year, I am in reality. Not in shock.I am reminded that people are beautiful. So many have let me know that they're keeping me in their thoughts and they've been extremely kind to me. My loving grandparents took me and Iris out to lunch and it was really nice to be around people I love and to have that support system. Right now I am in a place that makes my soul feel happy...ie, book shop. I originally planned to stay in bed all day, but I realize that I should always get back up, and do something that would make you happy, and spend this day on loving and remembering you, having some time to myself and end it by sharing it with people I love. Can you see? After so long, I'm trying.
For you. For me. For life.

Someone told me "You have made it through the first year and that is something to be proud of. I could only imagine that Chantz is proud of you."
I hope so.


love
you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

August 1, 2011

This week is my last week of memories of/with Chantz. It's almost unbelievable to me.


This is the last picture I took with Chantz a year ago today. We spent our day at the lake with friends, wakeboarding, drinking, and riding the water tube. We had gone the week before but Chantz hadn't been able to get the board up, and on this day he successfully did it. I remember the second he finally stood up we could all see that his face lit up like one of a kid in a candy store...and a moment later, he made the face of someone who persistently keeps trying to get a result, and when he finally does he doesn't know what to do with himself. So he just let go. It was actually hilarious to see it play out. That last weekend with him was really beautiful. I remember shortly after he died not being able to understand how things could be so wonderful one moment and completely destroyed the next. I kept going over and over in my head how impossible it seemed that a week earlier we had taken his little cousins to Six Flags and spent the whole day taking care of them, even talking about how it would be when we had children one day...and then, he was just gone.
I don't think I'll be able to fully grasp how life can change that drastically in the blink of an eye, but now I am able to look back on that wonderful last week I had with him.

The Wednesday of that week Chantz also washed my car. We were both in the garage as he was cleaning the inside when a song came on the radio, and we started slow dancing. He even twirled me a couple of times, which is saying something, because I am the worst follower. Ever.
He said  that this was one of his happiest moments. That his life was finally coming together, and that I was there to share it with him. It's always been a little funny to me that people think the most romantic moments consist of the grand and planned out gestures. Don't get me wrong..they're wonderful, but give me moments like these for the rest of my life. The simplest moments can be so authentically beautiful. I still hold on to that moment often, it makes me ache, but at the same time be entirely thankful to know that I will always be able to remember it.



the robot


The last week of his life, Chantz was working on his last week of his paid  internship. I remember he was really excited because he was working with nano-technology, one of his most favorite things, and he was getting to build a robot and making connections with the PhD's running that specific course. We were also in the process of getting ready to move in that weekend, something we were also really excited about and even planning on having a housewarming party for shortly after. When he died, my hoped-for future died, too...from the smallest of things, like my plan to surprise him with post-it notes all over the apartment with a reason why I loved him on each one..to the bigger things, a future that I never even had and feel that I lost. It's only begun with this year, and continuing on from here, but living with this loss has meant taking on new roles, new relationships, a new future- without obviously forgetting the past. Something I'm barely embracing, and a hard thing to balance at times
.
I'm somewhat fearful of this coming week; I am afraid that in a way I will be mentally reliving those last days. Asking myself questions I know I wont ever be able to solve...remembering things I buried deep inside....but mostly, I am afraid that it will feel like I am losing him all over again. And after that, that I will be in the same spot I was the day after his death. I keep telling myself that this part must be "normal" as well...whatever the hell that means, but I really have nothing to base it off of. There were many times I told myself that surely I wouldn't survive, and thus far, I am still here. I think the biggest thing that this one year mark will bring is that instead of my grief being tied to a certain day or the approach of certain days, it will just be there. The reality of his absence will just be here all the time...not in a haunting way, but perhaps as a reminder to live beautifully. To love as much as I can. That he existed, and just because he doesn't anymore, it doesn't change what we did have at some point in time. But for now, I just keep reminding myself to take it one step at a time, and keep breathing lest I overwhelm myself with all of this.

If you ever think that your absence won't be felt a year after your death, consider the fact that that's probably the biggest lie you've ever said to yourself.