La tristesse durera toujours

A tattoo of two swallows represents freedom.

Swallows also represent a hardship survived, and the return home after a struggle.

I survived...and I am finally thriving after almost a year. It's still a daily work in progress like I've said before, but these last months have been beautiful.

It was finally time to get the tattoo I drew out back in December...I told myself that once I came back I would get it.

One is in honor of Chantz, and the other is for my precious little sister that I lost many years ago.

"La tristesse durera toujours" -Van Gogh

These were his dying words..translated to "the sadness will last forever." He is my favorite painter of all time and his story has had a huge impact on my life, it was only fitting to add it to my tattoo.

Yes, the sadness will last forever, but so will the memories, and most importantly, the love I have for these two beautiful beings.

If souls exist, I can only hope that the two have met already.

a very happy self

♥

June 21, 2011

The crying spells are back.
It's a near cold comfort; useful for knowing that I'm still on the road to "recovery"...but the longing...there's just so much aching in that sometimes. Something I'd like to put down from time to time, but it seems that a part of me will not...or perhaps, simply cannot.

Just when you think you've got things under control, grief likes to give you a swift kick in the ass and remind you that it's circular and ever changing.
Thanks.

I think it has a lot to do with the nearing of the one year mark. Looking back, I still have solid Chantz memories with me from last year...but in a couple of weeks it will just be me. Not that the memories will be gone, but the closest ones will be about how I dealt with his "departure"...
But this time around logic hasn't left me

I remember when you died, for a time, I was like one bereft of reason.

Escaping is futile now...and why would I want to? I've had enough time to delude myself, and doing that would just be taking a million little steps back.
I can say I've been happy now. That I've been sober. That I've made myself feel the weight of your absence and the pain associated with it. I've had to face what it is to live without you head on. And man...how can I put into words what that is like? It's near impossible..involving the inner most parts of your soul being torn apart and transformed into something new..painful, yet necessary. I think I once told a friend that the best way to describe it so she could understand was as if one side of my body was immobile, dead and rotting, and since I couldn't get rid of it I was constantly aware of it; I just had to drag myself with the side that worked and figure out a way to walk and live with it in the best way possible. Fortunately, the more you learn how to walk with it, the more alive you become. You don't stay in "zombie-like" shape forever, figuratively speaking, and of course it will never be the same, a constant work in progress, but there's so much I can see and do now, compared to even five months ago when I started this blog. I hope I can say the same thing another five months from now.

One must face reality sooner or later..and let me say that the sooner you do it, chances are that you will heal in a significantly better way. The longer you take, the more of 'you' that will be lost in the process.



All that you've loved is all you own

Civil War

Today, I really can't get you off my mind

Whatever type of scab has formed from your absence seems to be ripped off on days like these, but underneath, some parts of me have healed. It means I don't have to start the process all over again. It's just a reminder that scabs can be ripped off when you least expect them to.

I remember exactly what you sounded like when you sang this. I remember all the movements you made while playing it.

 And there's this one memory...you sitting on your amp...in your own world, and me sitting in bed listening..chiming in occassionally. Very simple, yet one of the clearest I have.

Civil War

I really miss you today.

I guess some days are worse than others

Who said "Peace could last forever"

Live Free

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

xxx

It took me months of denial, longing, and heartwrenching bitterness to come to terms that going to a funeral, a grave, or a room that was once slept in was simply futile. I thought you'd be there, waiting to tell me it was all an elaborate lie, surely they must've been hiding you and that's why I was kept out...I thought I'd find you in some way...but you're not there anymore...you haven't been there in a long time. I'm not going to say that the experience of not getting to be a part of something that's necessary in terms of acceptance, and closure in the bereavement process made me into a better person or that I can see the silver lining in it...no, that's a lot of self delusional bullshit. But I will say that I know what it feels like, and when bitternes or hate try to take over in any given situation, I see the harm it can cause to others, and I don't want to send that type of hurt over to anyone else. There is freedom in letting the bitterness go. 

 You are someone I constantly carry with me...kept alive through everything you taught me, the love we shared, whatever insight, love, lessons you took from me. You are with me through the love you taught me to show and believe in once more...through the fearlessness I've adopted from you, that was the essence of your being.You are alive through the people I've loved because of what I learned from you and all of this; they also carry you with them.

You are here.

Not in the way I would want you to. It's not enough, it was an insult when people said "he will always be with you, in your heart," because it only showed me that they obviously didn't understand what profound loss was. And it will never be enough, nothing can compare...when acceptance seeps into one's bones though, you know the difference between what you can change, and what you can't. And then you go from there in carrying the things that are out of your control in the best way you can. Every day offering you a chance to practice that balance.

I choose to live without fear, restraints, and in utmost love for others...because of you.

Time

A year ago today I was on my way back from Spain. I had a 19 hour flight; it was exhausting, and I was ready to be home. Our last night in Madrid had been ridiculously fun, but also brutal because we obviously had to stay out all night for the last time.
That last weekend was also the most I missed Chantz. It was because I was so close to seeing him, yet there was nothing I could do about it but wait till I was back home. I have never been more excited and antsy to see a person than I was back then.

Despite how tired, sleep deprived, sick, hungry, and cranky I was from the flight and annoyed because Chantz couldn't find my gate at the airport, the second he pulled up and got out of the car, it all vanished. We looked at each other like this was the moment we had been waiting for and walked toward one another and embraced for minutes.  We didn't say a word the whole time and I still remember thinking how it felt like I was finally home. His hugs, his smell, the way his back felt..it was all home. We pulled away and he told me he loved me.

Today, I would've been engaged for a year if he were still here. That night after talking, eating, him taking me to his house because I HAD TO see how he turned his room into guy haven, he finally took me home, and got on one knee  and started with "I think I'm going to take advantage of the fact that you're jetlagged and ask you to be mine right know.."  and proceeded to say the most beautiful things. I was completely astounded, even though I should've known better..that's how he always was. I said yes, I think I was already nodding halfway through his speech and had to keep myself from interrupting him.

Six months ago I was here concerning the engagement. I would like to say that I am still there, that I still wear the ring, but it has been taken off and replaced by a simple band my best friend Iris gave me..it's a different type of ring but I wear it every day.

It's a reminder that life is beautiful, I am loved, and of our friendship. Your ring has been put away with many other things, but I like to take it out sometimes and look at it and wonder what being engaged to your for this long would've been like . Isn't it a little funny and sad that we move forward in grief regardless of how much we try not to? It doesn't matter how much you cling on to it and how much you swear to yourself and the world that you will never come to terms with it...time still does its thing. It's not that it heals all wounds, but it seems that the further away we get from anything, it's relevance seems to diminish.



           The 4th came and with it did festivities...why are holidays so much harder than regular days? Death is death no matter what day...but I think it has to do with time again. Just another reminder that you're gone, and that time continues to move forward without you and there is not a thing that can be done in the matter. It also has to do with the fact that you celebrate special days with special people..and you were missing. Your friends missed you when we celebrated, and I most certainly did.
Life misses you Chantz.
I tried to enjoy myself and be happy that I was celebrating with wonderful people who I've come to really love and appreciate...but the holidays always hit me harder...therefore self destructive things tend to happen. I'm still working on that one. It works about half the time. I still did have a good time, with moments of needing to be on my own and talk to or think about you for a while.
I made it through the 4th, and 5th, and tomorrow marks 11 months. And then the year.I keep telling myself that a year is not a big deal, time is just made up as a way to have a sense of order in existence, but it's just another day. You were gone yesterday, you were gone today, and you will be gone the next day. But the thing is that I'm scared of looking back at what I did a year earlier and not seeing you there. I will just be looking back on how I coped with this. And that is the scariest thing for me. That's how I've survived, by looking back and seeing you there. When the year comes and goes, I will look back and you will be so far away. I'm afraid of that...I hate that every day just takes me further away from you.
Regardless of how "irrelevant" time should be, it isn't for anyone.

I asked a friend of ours to play Hallelujah while we were all sittin' in a circle singing songs.
It was for you.
"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

Passion is imperative to life

I love life more than anything in this world.

really.

The thing is, that I've been fighting that love every step of the way since you've left.
I feel guilty that I love being alive and what it is to be a human being and part of this existence..and you're gone.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong by wanting to experience everything this world has to offer.

I want to read as many books as I can throughout my life, I want to listen to beautiful and inspiring music until I'm old and can't hear anymore, I want to eat as much delicious food as I can. I want to show my friends how much I love them and appreciate their existence. I want to live in Spain for a few years. I want to see beautiful art, and learn all there is about it and its history in grad school..maybe become a museum curator someday. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to do my part in the field of social justice. I want to go to the peace corps. I want to visit Poland and see the places you raved about, especially that castle you wanted to get married in, and eat as much of that delicious chocolate you told me about. I want to have children and aid in helping them become the best human beings they can be. I want to go back to El Escorial in Spain, my most favorite place in the world thus far. I want to be the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. I want to learn as much as I can about everything in this world. I want to quit smoking one day and run a marathon.I want to learn how to meditate and find zen. I want to get better at poker and play chess with people that love it as much as I do. I want to go sky diving. I want to go back to vegetarianism. I want to visit Russia and learn how to speak Russian. And Italian. I want to see my favorite bands live...many times. I want to go all the music shows I can go to. I want to meet as many wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful people as I can, and develop friendships with them. I want to go museums as see my favorite art pieces. I want to take care of my cats and perhaps get one more later in life. I want to continue growing as a person every day and with every experience. I want to know that I lived as much as I could and did everything within my power to make this life worth it.

So why do I feel like I shouldn't? Like I'm doing something wrong by wanting all of this, let alone pursuing it. Like I'm leaving you behind if I live my life.
I've gotten significantly "better" about living and not just existing, but that guilt is always there.
My life motto is "passion is imperative to life." I've been trying to subdue that passion for way too long now, for fear that you'll think I'm okay without you. I fear that you'll think I don't care that you're gone, that it doesn't matter anymore, and that I don't love you.
It's getting harder to subdue this and I feel like I'm betraying you.
I've met so many equally passionate people these last eleven months who inspire me to live as I know I should, and I'm at odds with myself because of it.
Them, me, life...or you.