This picture is one of my most favorite pictures of Chantz and I. For his first birthday together I gave him a picture frame with this picture in it. On the back of it I wrote that I loved him very much. I don't really remember the exact words. A few months into my first year of college he gave me the same picture and I framed it. He knew how much I loved it. 

...

A few weeks after he died I went to my apartment to gather some stuff to take back home and I saw that picture frame sitting on a shelf. I had completelty forgotten that he had written on the back of it, but I wanted to take the picture with me so I took it out of the frame. On the back it said:

 "I will always be with you, through everything.

I love you, Chantz."

I screamed, I cried, I felt so abandoned. I wanted it to be like one of those movie scenes where the person left behind got a loving message from the beyond telling them that they would always be there. But it just felt like a lie. I screamed at him for not living up to that message. I was heartbroken that he completely forgot he even wrote that.

I carried that picture around for months, but now it's back in its frame, and sometimes I still take it out and read what he wrote. It still makes me feel the same way, but sometimes it does bring me comfort. I know he didn't live up to it. But he did love me, and he was always there while he was alive. I know he wanted to be for the rest of his life but I just wish I could understand why it isn't that way all.

Reading an 'I love you' from him is one of the best things I've had to hang on to this whole time.

I really miss you today.

I also met the beautiful baby of a wonderful married couple today. I remember when I heard about the pregnancy, such exciting news. Chantz was still here too and I remember sharing the news with him. I also remember that after he passed I thought about the time when the baby would come; it would mean Chantz would be long gone. (It's weird how I correlated everything with him, even things that were completely separate from him). I couldn't even picture myself exisiting so many months down the road. I was more than positive that I was going to go after him. But here I am. And here she is. She is a beautiful baby, and I can only hope that one day I feel that I have these wonderful things to look forward to as well.

Welcome to the world baby Claire. You are so loved by many.