The Eternal Life of Grief

The most mysterious part of grief is that you think you can will it away. You can refuse to think about it. In one part of your mind you can hold it, but sometimes you must let it go. You often war with it. You grieve for a lifetime because those we love are a part of us even after they left us, even after they have betrayed us, and our love for them, by taking their life with their own hands. Sometimes for days on end you find yourself crying in the middle of a car ride, or when a song comes on, or in a public place because someone said something that reminds you of your lost loved one. Sometimes grief disappears for months at a time and you tell yourself, I'm past this now. And then grief comes to visit again like a long lost friend. It is mysterious, but never take it for granted. Get to know it as well as you know your best friend.

You Will Dream New Dreams Again

It gets so much better...three years later and I am thriving. It's happiness. This isn't to say that I am not entirely transformed by everything that's happened, but it isn't what defines me anymore. This isn't proof that eventually we all go back to our happy lives, as those who contemplate suicide like to think those left behind would do. It's a testament that the human spirit can endure the unthinkable. And that we can start anew.  I am not back to my "happy old life," I have just finally learned how to live and love this new one. The bad days are still there, especially a few days before any anniversary, but they are further and further apart. A thing to celebrate! I have moved cities, a wise choice which has allowed me to heal even more so; that distance from every physical reminder was exactly what I needed. A conscious decision that I needed to keep moving forward and looking back less and less. And every time I go home to visit, I relish in every reminder, for you did exist and always will within me. I have also started working with children at an Elementary School as a bilingual tutor. At this moment, I am exactly where I want to be. I am fulfilled by everything I do, and I am working to improve myself daily and live as passionately as I can. With it comes the trivial and that which I used to laugh at with contempt. The silly household and monetary issues, normalcy, "bad" days, but I am so thankful I can partake in these everyday moments; they are simply part of life. I have plans, dreams, and goals and I am constantly aware that they will change and that the future is completely unknown to me, but it's that hope for the future that I am glad to have once more. I wish you could see sometimes, but I don't desperately need you to anymore.
I love you, I miss you, and I forgive you.

April 18, 2013

Sometimes I'm filled with guilt for still being heart broken about this when there are much bigger things going on around me. Terrible tragedies and sorrows; people losing loved ones when their loved ones had no choice in the matter. But I guess that's how it usually is with everyone. You assume that anyone who's ever experienced a tragedy and survived it is eventually "all better" because you don't see any outer signs that point in any other direction. It's just about learning to live with whatever it is, and to mask it, and carry it with grace, kindness, bitterness, or aloofness. Take your pick.

Today, I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed by all this pain going on around us every day, and the tragedies that keep plaguing this world. Yet the world keeps turning for most. It's so easy for us to ignore it so it doesn't bring us down, or prompt us to be the change the world needs. An acknowledgement or a prayer make us feel like we are doing something, then we quickly turn around and continue to be ugly toward one another. Somewhere out there, several someones are starting their journey to their own personal hell, and it will be a long time until they make it out of it, if at all. We can't be there for everyone in the world, but I urge you to be kind to those around you, you don't know their journey - their pain, or what your actions could mean. Life is already hard enough without our help, and we should try to make it as beautiful as possible for ourselves and others.

Thinking of you, as always. Love you forever.