When I started writing I had so much to say and work through as I tried to figure out what it meant to live in a world without Chantz in it, and although I continue to live with and work through it in a different capacity, I have reached a point where my processes and developments are private happenings.
I've journaled as a way to document and process my experiences most of my life, I have this idea that one day I will want to read over my life story, who I was, who I became and how I got there, but blogging was very different for me. I needed to talk about this publicly as I grieved, and later as I started healing and putting a new life together, because writing in my journal wasn't enough. This was too much...too profound a loss and I needed to be heard. I needed you to understand what was happening and for you to not forget Chantz or remember him just as the guy who killed himself. His end is not what defined him- his life did, and it was filled with so much love and passion.
I will never stop being part of the movement that's fighting the stigma of mental illness and suicide. I will never stop trying to be what I can be to those in need and to reach out to those who think they're unsaveable or "unfixable"- people are not broken or objects that need to be fixed. This has become one of my lifelong battles.
These past years have been the hardest and most beautiful of my life and it's difficult to put into words every single lesson or truth I've learned, how much I've changed, and the immense ways my eyes have been opened. All I know is that I am not the person I was August 4th, 2010, nor the same person going through the hardest experience of her life. It can be easy to go back to old habits once you're out of a crisis and go back to the same mentality, so I strive to be better, constantly grateful and aware of the most significant lessons I've learned these last 5 years and I'd like to leave you with them:
-Love, love, LOVE people. This is the most important. Tell those around you how much they mean to you every single day and show them. Life is too precious and no day should be wasted in letting those around you know that they enrich and complete your life.
-Life can disappear in a second yet it is the most precious thing in this world- live the life you imagined, strive for it, work for it, fail, get back up, fail again, but always keep going.
-The human spirit can survive almost anything. Our resilience astounds me and gives me hope despite the turmoil of this world.
-Above all else, be kind. We don't know what others have gone through and/or are going through and how it's affecting their lives.
-It's okay to not be okay, and to be honest about that pain.
-Above all else, be kind. We don't know what others have gone through and/or are going through and how it's affecting their lives.
-It's okay to not be okay, and to be honest about that pain.
-There is no right or wrong way to grieve- we must own our journeys and trust ourselves above anyone else. Define your experiences, don't let them or others define them for you.
-People want to help, sometimes they just don't know how. Forgive, be gentle with them and yourself... we're all learning as we go.
-BE THERE FOR PEOPLE. SHOW UP. This doesn't mean you will say the right words, not fuck up or make anything better. But it matters. It's okay to forgive the ones that don't, you've got to let them go and understand not everyone is up for it. That resentment will only tear you apart as you're trying to put yourself back together.
-Dale tiempo al tiempo. Give time, time. (Sounds better in Spanish). Time will not heal all wounds, but it will allow you to figure out what to do with those wounds, and to use that pain for something useful. Or to do whatever it is that you want with them.
-Forgiveness can happen. I can happily say that I'm in a place where there has been forgiveness and healing from both sides between Chantz's parents and I. If there is life, there is a way to reconnect.
-Sometimes things don't happen for a reason, we just have to learn how to live and walk with it, and that's okay.
-You are not in charge of saving other people, but you are in charge of your kindness, your words, actions, and what you put out into the world. Do you want to be the type of person that adds value to others or tries to take it away?
-Be gentle with yourself. Honor, accept, own, and respect your journey.
-You are not in charge of saving other people, but you are in charge of your kindness, your words, actions, and what you put out into the world. Do you want to be the type of person that adds value to others or tries to take it away?
-Be gentle with yourself. Honor, accept, own, and respect your journey.
If you have kept up with this blog consistently over the years, if you read it here and there or this is your first time reading, I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for accepting my vulnerability, your words of encouragement, letting me know this in some way helped you, getting to know Chantz for the first time, a little, or more than you already knew him. Thanks for accepting my ramblings, confusion, fury, sorrow, and deep longing. Thanks for celebrating in my small and big victories, my healing, falling in love again, and moving forward. For not judging a path you don't know, or relating in some way despite your own journey. Thank you for giving me the time I needed- and for taking the time to sit and read my thoughts, and raw unedited emotions even if you didn't understand them. Thanks for mentioning it in person, even if it was awkward, we didn't know each other very well, or it was bad timing- thank you for simply reaching out. I know sometimes it wasn't so simple.
I don't think I will ever be in a place where I don't mention Chantz to those nearest and dearest, or when birthdays and anniversaries happen, or absolutely love when someone brings him up on their own- it's always nice to remember out loud, but I believe I have said everything I needed to say. Here at least. I hope I can continue to share what I can, perhaps in a different blog in the future. Thank you for being a part of this journey.
Love always.
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
-Kahlil Gibran
I don't think I will ever be in a place where I don't mention Chantz to those nearest and dearest, or when birthdays and anniversaries happen, or absolutely love when someone brings him up on their own- it's always nice to remember out loud, but I believe I have said everything I needed to say. Here at least. I hope I can continue to share what I can, perhaps in a different blog in the future. Thank you for being a part of this journey.
Love always.
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
-Kahlil Gibran
