For a couple of weeks now I've been aware of the second year mark getting closer and closer, but this morning as I was driving to school it really hit me...maybe it's because it's the first of the month, I'm not sure. But it was like a ton of bricks in my heart. One second I was singing along to crappy morning music, and the next all I could think of was your goofy smile and how much you would love this crazy heat we're experiencing. This is still a very deep wound, and there are still ripple effects from two years ago. I know those will disappear in due time, and there will come a day when my day-to-day life won't be affected by your choices and the choices I made during my grief; eventually you will just be someone I carry in my heart with the utmost love...but it's almost two years, and that has yet to happen. Sometimes I still think there will be a time when I'm finally "okay," but I've come to the realization that it doesn't exist in the way I've hoped. And I guess that's alright, it shows how important you were and still are to me.
I ran across something I wrote around this time last year:
" I think the biggest thing that this one year mark will bring is that
instead of my grief being tied to a certain day or the approach of
certain days, it will just be there. The reality of his absence will
just be here all the time...not in a haunting way, but perhaps as a
reminder to live beautifully. To love as much as I can. That he existed,
and just because he doesn't anymore, it doesn't change what we did have
at some point in time."
That's what it has been like this year, just a constant. It was the same yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow and forever, and ever, and ever. The first year was the hardest, everything was new, terrifying, and incredibly surreal...now I know what to avoid, and how to cope in a way that's "socially acceptable" and wont hinder my school, work and over all well-being. I know how to keep the tears that must come until I am able to let them out on my own. For we all need to cry here and there. It's not something I need to tell everyone anymore or talk about constantly so they don't forget him or what happened. It's just a part of me, and whether someone knows, sees it, or understands doesn't make much of a difference anymore.
Two long years...But also two incredible years. I'm in awe by how much beauty I've experienced first hand. The power of friendship, perspective, loyalty, memories, and second loves...it is just so much more than I expected...all this beauty.
Be patient and tough; one day this pain will be useful to you.
