Thursday, January 16, 2014

On Thankfulness

It can be easy to get caught up on all that is lost when a loved one leaves us. I know I continue to be guilty of it at times, even if I don't verbalize it. The old life, the dreams, the light-heartedness...
But for each thing lost, I can think of a hundred more that I am blessed with daily:

    Like gaining the ability to appreciate, live, and love life more because and in spite of this. I have become more compassionate, can empathize in ways that I would have not been able to otherwise, and love more deeply. These are lessons I wish I hadn't learned this way, but I did. To see life disappear right before your very eyes in the form of a loved one gives you an awareness of the fragility, but most importantly the value of it.  
     For each friend lost, I count my blessings for the ones that stayed. They were my North Star on a journey of recovery and saw the light at the end of a dark and painful tunnel. I have been loved and helped in immeasurable ways when I didn't have anything to offer in return. I have witnessed the healing power of friendship first hand, and what it looks like when someone is not willing to give up on you even after they've seen the ugliest and most shattered parts of your being. Those lessons in humility are something I carry with me daily, and I can only hope to be half the friend others have been to me.
     I have gained an appreciation for family and what it is to develop a deep and personal relationship with them. I may not have grown up in the way I wished to, which made me wary of family ties, but there's so much more to look forward to; there's abundant joy in watching my younger cousins growing up and coming into their own, my grandparents stories, and advice, and watching the great man my brother is becoming. My only regret is having taken this long to get to know each and every one of them as individuals. But where there is love, there is a way to make anything flourish.
     I was gifted with a second love beyond anything I could have wished for. A kind and understanding man who respects this part of my life and knows it will always be there. A man who encourages me to be a better human every day, and not just accepts, but loves me for everything that I am and am not. Someone who is ever present, even when he doesn't understand the turmoil. He's a constant reminder that love happens at the most unexpected times and the only answer for it is a resounding "YES."
      I could make this list unbearably long, but I will leave you with this last and important one. I have been allowed the gift of time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it lets you fall down as many times as you need until you're ready to pick yourself up. It has allowed me to regain my passions and pursue them again. It gave me new dreams, goals and journeys. It allowed me to develop new friendships, and memories. It may have taken me further and further away from Chantz, but it allowed me to rebuild my life and carry him with me while doing so. Time can be a pest, but if you let it do its thing, you will be grateful for all it gave back to you.  
     Thankfulness isn't just seasonal, it's a lifestyle. I urge you to be grateful for who and what you have daily, for there is always something to be thankful for. As Thornton Wilder said, "We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."