The crying spells are back.
It's a near cold comfort; useful for knowing that I'm still on the road to "recovery"...but the longing...there's just so much aching in that sometimes. Something I'd like to put down from time to time, but it seems that a part of me will not...or perhaps, simply cannot.
Just when you think you've got things under control, grief likes to give you a swift kick in the ass and remind you that it's circular and ever changing.
Thanks.
I think it has a lot to do with the nearing of the one year mark. Looking back, I still have solid Chantz memories with me from last year...but in a couple of weeks it will just be me. Not that the memories will be gone, but the closest ones will be about how I dealt with his "departure"...
But this time around logic hasn't left me
I remember when you died, for a time, I was like one bereft of reason.
Escaping is futile now...and why would I want to? I've had enough time to delude myself, and doing that would just be taking a million little steps back.
I can say I've been happy now. That I've been sober. That I've made myself feel the weight of your absence and the pain associated with it. I've had to face what it is to live without you head on. And man...how can I put into words what that is like? It's near impossible..involving the inner most parts of your soul being torn apart and transformed into something new..painful, yet necessary. I think I once told a friend that the best way to describe it so she could understand was as if one side of my body was immobile, dead and rotting, and since I couldn't get rid of it I was constantly aware of it; I just had to drag myself with the side that worked and figure out a way to walk and live with it in the best way possible. Fortunately, the more you learn how to walk with it, the more alive you become. You don't stay in "zombie-like" shape forever, figuratively speaking, and of course it will never be the same, a constant work in progress, but there's so much I can see and do now, compared to even five months ago when I started this blog. I hope I can say the same thing another five months from now.
One must face reality sooner or later..and let me say that the sooner you do it, chances are that you will heal in a significantly better way. The longer you take, the more of 'you' that will be lost in the process.
All that you've loved is all you own
I have went through that 5 stage grief process, and didn't go through it exactly in order.
ReplyDeleteI once had a dream that that person came back to me and of course that just hurt me even more when I woke up and realized it was just a dream.
For a while I denied that she was gone, I even told a few people she was just visiting family.
Ohhh now the anger, I was so angry, angry at myself of had I have been there would she have survived, and that anger at myself is the blame of myself needing to be next door instead of next to her side where she needed me, I had medical knowledge, could I have saved her.
And now the bargaining, I tried to bargain with God, asking him to give me a second chance, I begged and pleaded, but she was still gone.
Now for depressed, I was already messed up in my brain, it felt like I was detached from myself, as if the biggest part of me was gone.
I escaped in hard drugs that I manufactured, I eventually quit using and found something else.
I finally accepted that she was gone, and that if there was a heaven she would be there cause she was earth and moon that brought out the stars in my eyes.
The saddest part of grief is that it will eventually return due to another loss.
I have felt this pain of grief, but it can be overcome, and conquered at least for the moment until it does try to rear it ugly head.
Isn't it a little funny that we all go through the grieiving process yet it's significantly different for every single person?? Makes it a very lonely experience but at the same time we know we're not alone in going through this.
ReplyDeleteI've become very aware of the losses that are to come my way in life, and that grief will strike again...but death on its own is something that happens whether we accept it or not and I want to focus on life instead of the fear of death. I just hope with everything in me I never have to experience suicide again...death is one thing, but death, and a chosen death at that just leaves us with more unnecessary turmoil.
I don't know who you are but I am so sorry about the loss of your love. I don't know how long it's been or how you've made it, but thank you for letting me know that it's survivable.