Recently, I lost many of my material possessions due to complicated circumstances. Things that are very dear to me. All my books. Memory boxes. My journals. A chess set I've had since I was 7. My sketchbook and paintings. Things that are only important to me and irreplaceable due to their sentimental value. Things Chantz gave me, stuff I bought in Spain, gifts from my father and mother, and things I've collected since I was a little girl. It was a tough blow, and made me feel like I only seem to keep losing what I care about and that in a way all those experiences were erased from existence. I allowed myself to react to this loss, feeling like I was doomed to keep losing what I loved for the rest of my life, but a day later I picked myself up and realized there are some things you can't do anything about except keep keeping on. One of the hardest lessons I've learned this year...accepting the unchangeable. I find myself remembering new things that were lost and I'm sure that will keep happening for a while, but it's a little funny to me that I'm not as upset as I feel I should be. I know it's mostly in part because of everything that's happened this year; our memories are not attached to what's tangible. Granted, the material can be a reminder of something wonderful that you otherwise wouldn't remember, because the memories are buried so deep in your mind, but in the end, they are simply things. And in a world that tries to teach us that this is the stuff that makes up a meaningful life, it is important to not buy into that lie. Why do people cherish that more than the people around them? More than love, compassion, happiness, life, and humanity as a whole? The material can improve one's quality of life, but without any of those non-tangible things where is our humanity and meaning?
It's not like I'm starting with a clean slate, but it was a wonderful reminder, although quite harsh, that those things don't define who I was, or who I am now. And that they are definitely not what matters the most in the world. What matters is still with me. And as cliche as that is, it's astoundingly true, and knowing that frees you from the meaningless owning you.
It's been a really rough few weeks, but there have been days that have been exceptionally wonderful. I find myself holding on to those moments more than everything else. They trump those days by a long shot. The more time passes, the more beauty I experience. One can't really stop going when shit hits the fan, and when you stumble upon beautiful and significant people, moments, and things that just enrich your life in extraordinary ways, you are so thankful you kept going.
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside -- remembering all the times you've felt that way.
I have an idea how you feel about loss. I recently lost everything I had, pictures of my ex-girlfriend who had passed, trophies I had won in martial arts tournaments, pictures of family that had passed also. As you said irreplaceable items. I was angry, more so that I no longer have the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I was angry, depressed, even went emotionally numb. But it is right to never let people places or things to define who we are. The one thing that couldn't be taken from me was my memories. My memories are vivid, they are sometimes quite real to me. I didn't really realize just how important other things around me were more important. All those things although were irreplaceable they weren't the most important. Important things that I neglected was family, a mistake I rectified quick. Friends are the greatest, I would be locked up in an insane asylum if it weren't for my friends. I am thankful that I am not alone in this world, that I have others who care. After all that I vowed to do better for those who really love me, not putting them on the back burner just to feel like no one cares for them. I do still enjoy your blogs, so please keep writing them. I am also glad to call you a friend among the few that I have. But whether I had 1 or thousands, I cherish it dearly. Thanks for your friendship.
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