Abjection

That feeling you get when you realize that the only thing separating you from being dead is almost nothing. Understanding the weight of that sentence is something most don't even come close to...except maybe when they're near the end of their lives. When they have a need to feel like their lives had some purpose in this grand universe of ours. But what if it doesn't? Does it change the fact that you lived? No...living for the sake of living is something I wish I saw more of. Life is intrinsic and there is no need to justify why we are here.

It is also fragile, yet we are so careless with it, and disregard it much too often.We act as if we have some control over our own beating hearts.
I thought realizing this was going to make me feel like a helpless child but instead I've gained a greater appreciation for life...an understanding, and perhaps a fear, that life can disappear in an instant and it is in fact the more precious for it. With a full grasp of that reality, everything else is irrelevant. But you learn to love more. And live more.




I feel like I've come to a standstill in this process though. I keep running myself into a wall. It's a rough transition. It's as if there was a time limit on all of this and I'm now "expected" to be over it. Supposed to move on with this new life. What about the parts I'm not ready for? The things I haven't worked out?...I even pressure myself to be over it, as if it's losing its importance with the passing of time. I find myself apologizing when I fall apart, or when something triggers me; it's almost as if I'm losing the confidence I had in owning this entire process. As if I'm not allowed to feel it anymore. Like continuing to write about it and share is completely unnecessary now.