Forever Young

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung

May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you stay forever young my love♥

Happy 70th Bob Dylan.

The Crunch

 

What Sarah Said

 

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

I never paid attention to this song or the lyrics up until a few months ago. It actually really bothered me. It was a very idealistic view of losing a loved one. This song doesn't tell you about the horror of the hospital night. Of waiting to hear anything, and hoping with all your might that he made it through.

 This song always takes me back to the moment in the hospital. I remember getting there before his parents and just walking around like a zombie in the waiting room. I remember looking at all these people around me and not being able to process it. And when his parents finally made it to the hospital we were all taken to a small room to wait for the doctor. They sat on one side of the room, and I sat on the other by myself. Then the doctors and nurses came in...and I knew.

It seemed like a scene from all the movies I've seen in the past, and I couldn't help but start crying for I knew what they were going to say. I remember one of the doctors looking at me in surprise due to the fact that they hadn't said a word and he asked "wait, have they spoken to you yet?" and all I could do was shake my head. Then his mother said words I will never forget, "he's gone isn't he?" and the doctors said yes.They said generic doctor things, they tried everything, etc. It didn't matter anymore. He was gone. I asked if I could see him, but it was against protocol. I kept saying that I just wanted to see him, that I needed to see him but that didn't get me anywhere.

That was the moment all hope for the night disappeared.

And looking back, I realize that was the worst part of the night for me. I was alone in facing the worst moment of my life thus far.

Just alone.

I remember his mom not wanting me in the room with them, and being taken out of it. I remember her piercing cry as the door closed behind me..I don't think I will ever forget that either...I remember standing and facing a wall and talking to myself. I remember the nurses laughing, and talking about dinner as if it were relevant to anything.

 Nothing made sense.

 My family eventually got there, and then his friends did too. All I could do was keep chainsmoking with them. I couldn't leave the hospital, I couldn't leave him. I remember telling my mom that I couldn't leave him because they were going to take his organs and he needed them. Eventually the shock took over and I couldn't feel anything.

 I kept trying to figure out if it was a dream but I was still in the same place and no ninjas or dragons had

 appeared. I wasn't suddenly in a whole different place doing something else. I knew it was real.  The thing about this song is that it romanticizes nights like these. That's not reality or how it will ever go for anyone.  And when I read this part of this poem, it takes me back to the same place too, but in a way that makes me feel that someone else knows the reality of nights like these, and then I don't feel so alone.

 

 

 

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

 

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
"no."

-Bukowski

4-29-2011

No one goes to sleep thinking about me anymore.
And the thing is that I don't want just anyone doing that.
I want Chantz to be that person just like he's the only one I go to sleep thinking about every night.

It's kind of silly, I never even told him, but this is one of our songs, and I wanted it to be the song we danced to at our wedding someday. Listen
                                                                        

  Love Song

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Today isn't a very good day. I realize now that I will never have the connection I had with Chantz with anyone else, and since he's been gone I've been searching desperately for that exact same thing to fill the void he left behind...unsuccessfully of course. I will still have connections with other people, but what Chantz and I had is between us only. All relationships are unique in their own way according to the people involved in them. I just can't grasp the fact that I will never have what I had some months ago.

The finality of things sometimes is unbearable. 

I can feel the rain

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've,
built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've,
built my life around you
Time makes you bolder,
even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down

the landslide brought it down

It always takes me back to last summer. Riding in your car, windows down, smoking a cigarette, and holding your hand. It's very hard living in the past and the present every day. But I'm not ready to live in a place where you don't exist yet.

It poured today. Did you ever think you'd miss the rain?

I want to feel the rain forever.

"Grave digger, when you dig my grave could you make it shallow
so that I can feel the rain?"

Last Easter

I have never been easter egg hunting, and because of this, Chantz told me that we would do it before we got married (apparently that was his plan all along ; )). Last year we ended up making easter eggs but we got around to making them really late, because we got in a stupid fight that should've been resolved in five minutes, but wasnt, so we didn't get to hide the eggs and go hunting for them. We said we'd do it this year to make up for it. We were going to go to our favorite park and make a whole day of it. And then we were going to have a picnic afterwards. It's stupid little stuff like that that you lose alongside with all the big things. I was really looking forward to this, but I guess that's the thing, sometimes you dont get do overs. We can all say 'well it didnt work out this time so next time we'll make sure it's even better." But you don't know if next time will ever come around and if you'll just be looking back on that unsuccessful time hoping you could just have one more chance to do it right...but just do it right the first time, and when you don't, accept it and appreciate what was wonderful about it either way. I loved little adventures with you. He was always such a trooper about what I wanted to do, and as long as I was a trooper about his more reckless boy things then we were set. That was the best part about last easter..after our stupid fight we got all the things we needed and started making them like nothing had happened. We joked, and laughed so much. Yeah, we did fight more than we should've, but when the fights were done, we carried on like nothing had happened.I didn't think missing out on this would fill me with such sorrow as it has, but last night it really hit me and consumed me for a while. There's always going to be another thing that we're missing out on together, and you didn't even realize it. I try to do things in your honor, but sometimes it's too much. It's just that reminder that I'm only doing this because you're not here. Otherwise we would've been together, doing something else...anything else, but this.

I'll love you forever

<3

Right before the picture was taken I had said "no babies, just kitties!"

what a trooper :)

Not the best but we enjoyed it

We both really liked this picture..he would, seeing that he's all serious and model-y about it and his girlfriend's all over him.

A grief observed

"My friends tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle, touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the lovemaking, the tiny, heartbreaking commplace. On any view whatever, to say 'H. is dead,' is to say, 'All that is gone.' It is a part of the past. And the past is the past and that is what time means, and time itself is one more name for death, and Heaven itself is a state where 'the former things have passed away.'
Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

I can talk about grief all day, and what has happened these last eight months and how I've changed etc. I can sit here and try to figure it out or play it over in my mind as to how I could've changed the end result as I have so many times since you've left.
But in the end it just comes down to the fact that I miss you.

All the time.
I miss your goofy smile, and your jokes, and how witty you were. I miss your smell and your hugs. I miss our drives and riding dirtbikes at the spot and staying up all night only to do it all over again the next day. I miss hearing you play music and your nerdy video games that you forced me to play. I miss playing with your arm hair while we watched tv, and how it turned blond every summer without fail. I miss our butterfly kisses, cheesy I know. I miss your mind and thought process. I miss your cute nose and moles that you just hated. I miss nagging at you for pulling out your eye lashes any time you were stressed out. I miss how you called me puffy toad any time I got mad at you. I miss us rescuing dogs off the street...and that one dove haha. I miss that terrible face you always made to creep me out, and anyone for that matter. I miss watching 300 and Lord of the Rings for the 25th time. I miss us. I met with one of your friends this weekend and after all the talking and venting we came to that same conclusion. We just miss you.
I miss you. you, you, you.

Elliott Smith

He has been a comfort to listen to since you've been gone. His depth and turmoil are so well expressed through his music. 

This song is what sorrow sounds like

"Waltz #1"
Every time the day darkens down and goes away
Pictures open in my head of me and you
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say
Covered up by what we did and didn't do
Going through every out I used to cop to make the repetition stop
What was I supposed to say?

Now I never leave my zone, we're both alone
I'm going home
I wish I'd never seen your face

My heart aches

Thoughts of Chantz keep me up at night.
Sometimes I'm angry enough to really wish I had never met him.
I wouldn't have known such sorrow if  I had never dated him, only to just lose him in the end.
But I also wouldn't have known love like I did, especially at such a young age when most date so frivolously.

I don't love lightly.
It took me a long time to fall in love with Chantz.
And even longer to realize that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him someday.

I don't want to become bitter or cynical, but when I think about the entire situation, what else can I be?
Thankful? Optimistic?..I'm just not there yet.
I am in love with a ghost, with someone I yearn for every day and will never have again.
The concept of hope doesn't exist here.
But the concept of healing does.