Time

A year ago today I was on my way back from Spain. I had a 19 hour flight; it was exhausting, and I was ready to be home. Our last night in Madrid had been ridiculously fun, but also brutal because we obviously had to stay out all night for the last time.
That last weekend was also the most I missed Chantz. It was because I was so close to seeing him, yet there was nothing I could do about it but wait till I was back home. I have never been more excited and antsy to see a person than I was back then.

Despite how tired, sleep deprived, sick, hungry, and cranky I was from the flight and annoyed because Chantz couldn't find my gate at the airport, the second he pulled up and got out of the car, it all vanished. We looked at each other like this was the moment we had been waiting for and walked toward one another and embraced for minutes.  We didn't say a word the whole time and I still remember thinking how it felt like I was finally home. His hugs, his smell, the way his back felt..it was all home. We pulled away and he told me he loved me.

Today, I would've been engaged for a year if he were still here. That night after talking, eating, him taking me to his house because I HAD TO see how he turned his room into guy haven, he finally took me home, and got on one knee  and started with "I think I'm going to take advantage of the fact that you're jetlagged and ask you to be mine right know.."  and proceeded to say the most beautiful things. I was completely astounded, even though I should've known better..that's how he always was. I said yes, I think I was already nodding halfway through his speech and had to keep myself from interrupting him.

Six months ago I was here concerning the engagement. I would like to say that I am still there, that I still wear the ring, but it has been taken off and replaced by a simple band my best friend Iris gave me..it's a different type of ring but I wear it every day.

It's a reminder that life is beautiful, I am loved, and of our friendship. Your ring has been put away with many other things, but I like to take it out sometimes and look at it and wonder what being engaged to your for this long would've been like . Isn't it a little funny and sad that we move forward in grief regardless of how much we try not to? It doesn't matter how much you cling on to it and how much you swear to yourself and the world that you will never come to terms with it...time still does its thing. It's not that it heals all wounds, but it seems that the further away we get from anything, it's relevance seems to diminish.



           The 4th came and with it did festivities...why are holidays so much harder than regular days? Death is death no matter what day...but I think it has to do with time again. Just another reminder that you're gone, and that time continues to move forward without you and there is not a thing that can be done in the matter. It also has to do with the fact that you celebrate special days with special people..and you were missing. Your friends missed you when we celebrated, and I most certainly did.
Life misses you Chantz.
I tried to enjoy myself and be happy that I was celebrating with wonderful people who I've come to really love and appreciate...but the holidays always hit me harder...therefore self destructive things tend to happen. I'm still working on that one. It works about half the time. I still did have a good time, with moments of needing to be on my own and talk to or think about you for a while.
I made it through the 4th, and 5th, and tomorrow marks 11 months. And then the year.I keep telling myself that a year is not a big deal, time is just made up as a way to have a sense of order in existence, but it's just another day. You were gone yesterday, you were gone today, and you will be gone the next day. But the thing is that I'm scared of looking back at what I did a year earlier and not seeing you there. I will just be looking back on how I coped with this. And that is the scariest thing for me. That's how I've survived, by looking back and seeing you there. When the year comes and goes, I will look back and you will be so far away. I'm afraid of that...I hate that every day just takes me further away from you.
Regardless of how "irrelevant" time should be, it isn't for anyone.

I asked a friend of ours to play Hallelujah while we were all sittin' in a circle singing songs.
It was for you.
"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"