- Do not stand at my grave and weep
- I am not there. I do not sleep.
- I am a thousand winds that blow.
- I am the diamond glints on snow.
- I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
- I am the gentle autumn rain.
- When you awaken in the morning's hush
- I am the swift uplifting rush.
- Of quiet birds in circled flight.
- I am the soft stars that shine at night.
- Do not stand at my grave and cry;
- I am not there. I did not die.
- xxx
- It took me months of denial, longing, and heartwrenching bitterness to come to terms that going to a funeral, a grave, or a room that was once slept in was simply futile. I thought you'd be there, waiting to tell me it was all an elaborate lie, surely they must've been hiding you and that's why I was kept out...I thought I'd find you in some way...but you're not there anymore...you haven't been there in a long time. I'm not going to say that the experience of not getting to be a part of something that's necessary in terms of acceptance, and closure in the bereavement process made me into a better person or that I can see the silver lining in it...no, that's a lot of self delusional bullshit. But I will say that I know what it feels like, and when bitternes or hate try to take over in any given situation, I see the harm it can cause to others, and I don't want to send that type of hurt over to anyone else. There is freedom in letting the bitterness go.
- You are someone I constantly carry with me...kept alive through everything you taught me, the love we shared, whatever insight, love, lessons you took from me. You are with me through the love you taught me to show and believe in once more...through the fearlessness I've adopted from you, that was the essence of your being.You are alive through the people I've loved because of what I learned from you and all of this; they also carry you with them.
You are here.
Not in the way I would want you to. It's not enough, it was an insult when people said "he will always be with you, in your heart," because it only showed me that they obviously didn't understand what profound loss was. And it will never be enough, nothing can compare...when acceptance seeps into one's bones though, you know the difference between what you can change, and what you can't. And then you go from there in carrying the things that are out of your control in the best way you can. Every day offering you a chance to practice that balance.
I choose to live without fear, restraints, and in utmost love for others...because of you.
Veronica,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog consistently since you started posting. You describe your feelings in such an incredible way. I hope that this blog is helping you to deal with those feelings, or at least to get them out and vent a little bit. I decided to comment on this particular entry because of the poem you posted. That poem is my grandmother's favorite. She keeps a copy of it in the corner of a picture frame with a picture of my grandpa, who she lost 28 years ago. It is a beautiful poem, and I am glad you chose to post it. You and I know each other, although not too well. I decided to remain anonymous simply because I think it makes the most sense right now, but I would like to say that I admire your courage to post all of your honest thoughts and feelings on to this blog. I know that this process of grief is exactly that, a process, it is something that will certainly get easier over time but will never fully disappear. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this process and hope that you can find some relief through this blog.
I really appreciate your words, I often ask myself why I even blog when I already journal and have a support system...but I feel like maybe this could reach someone in some way..and it helps me to not talk so much about Chantz outside of my support system. I feel like everyone needs to know about him haha, but I realize that I can't keep bringing up the past up every chance I get..so this is my way of letting the world know about him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing about the poem,it really touched my heart. It's crazy how we can all have intimate "relationships" with poems, songs, literature in completely different ways, yet we can stand together in understand how much it means to us.
Your encouraging post really means a lot to me, it helps me to see myself through someone else's eyes and definitely feel like I'm not alone. Crazy how grief can sometimes make us feel like no one has ever gone through anything as heart wrenching as what we're going through. I dont know who you are but I wish you a very happy life that's full of love and personal growth : )...hahahha kinda weird to say I know..but I don't know who you are!