4-29-2011

No one goes to sleep thinking about me anymore.
And the thing is that I don't want just anyone doing that.
I want Chantz to be that person just like he's the only one I go to sleep thinking about every night.

It's kind of silly, I never even told him, but this is one of our songs, and I wanted it to be the song we danced to at our wedding someday. Listen
                                                                        

  Love Song

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Today isn't a very good day. I realize now that I will never have the connection I had with Chantz with anyone else, and since he's been gone I've been searching desperately for that exact same thing to fill the void he left behind...unsuccessfully of course. I will still have connections with other people, but what Chantz and I had is between us only. All relationships are unique in their own way according to the people involved in them. I just can't grasp the fact that I will never have what I had some months ago.

The finality of things sometimes is unbearable. 

I can feel the rain

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've,
built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've,
built my life around you
Time makes you bolder,
even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down

the landslide brought it down

It always takes me back to last summer. Riding in your car, windows down, smoking a cigarette, and holding your hand. It's very hard living in the past and the present every day. But I'm not ready to live in a place where you don't exist yet.

It poured today. Did you ever think you'd miss the rain?

I want to feel the rain forever.

"Grave digger, when you dig my grave could you make it shallow
so that I can feel the rain?"

Last Easter

I have never been easter egg hunting, and because of this, Chantz told me that we would do it before we got married (apparently that was his plan all along ; )). Last year we ended up making easter eggs but we got around to making them really late, because we got in a stupid fight that should've been resolved in five minutes, but wasnt, so we didn't get to hide the eggs and go hunting for them. We said we'd do it this year to make up for it. We were going to go to our favorite park and make a whole day of it. And then we were going to have a picnic afterwards. It's stupid little stuff like that that you lose alongside with all the big things. I was really looking forward to this, but I guess that's the thing, sometimes you dont get do overs. We can all say 'well it didnt work out this time so next time we'll make sure it's even better." But you don't know if next time will ever come around and if you'll just be looking back on that unsuccessful time hoping you could just have one more chance to do it right...but just do it right the first time, and when you don't, accept it and appreciate what was wonderful about it either way. I loved little adventures with you. He was always such a trooper about what I wanted to do, and as long as I was a trooper about his more reckless boy things then we were set. That was the best part about last easter..after our stupid fight we got all the things we needed and started making them like nothing had happened. We joked, and laughed so much. Yeah, we did fight more than we should've, but when the fights were done, we carried on like nothing had happened.I didn't think missing out on this would fill me with such sorrow as it has, but last night it really hit me and consumed me for a while. There's always going to be another thing that we're missing out on together, and you didn't even realize it. I try to do things in your honor, but sometimes it's too much. It's just that reminder that I'm only doing this because you're not here. Otherwise we would've been together, doing something else...anything else, but this.

I'll love you forever

<3

Right before the picture was taken I had said "no babies, just kitties!"

what a trooper :)

Not the best but we enjoyed it

We both really liked this picture..he would, seeing that he's all serious and model-y about it and his girlfriend's all over him.

A grief observed

"My friends tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle, touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the lovemaking, the tiny, heartbreaking commplace. On any view whatever, to say 'H. is dead,' is to say, 'All that is gone.' It is a part of the past. And the past is the past and that is what time means, and time itself is one more name for death, and Heaven itself is a state where 'the former things have passed away.'
Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

I can talk about grief all day, and what has happened these last eight months and how I've changed etc. I can sit here and try to figure it out or play it over in my mind as to how I could've changed the end result as I have so many times since you've left.
But in the end it just comes down to the fact that I miss you.

All the time.
I miss your goofy smile, and your jokes, and how witty you were. I miss your smell and your hugs. I miss our drives and riding dirtbikes at the spot and staying up all night only to do it all over again the next day. I miss hearing you play music and your nerdy video games that you forced me to play. I miss playing with your arm hair while we watched tv, and how it turned blond every summer without fail. I miss our butterfly kisses, cheesy I know. I miss your mind and thought process. I miss your cute nose and moles that you just hated. I miss nagging at you for pulling out your eye lashes any time you were stressed out. I miss how you called me puffy toad any time I got mad at you. I miss us rescuing dogs off the street...and that one dove haha. I miss that terrible face you always made to creep me out, and anyone for that matter. I miss watching 300 and Lord of the Rings for the 25th time. I miss us. I met with one of your friends this weekend and after all the talking and venting we came to that same conclusion. We just miss you.
I miss you. you, you, you.

Elliott Smith

He has been a comfort to listen to since you've been gone. His depth and turmoil are so well expressed through his music. 

This song is what sorrow sounds like

"Waltz #1"
Every time the day darkens down and goes away
Pictures open in my head of me and you
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say
Covered up by what we did and didn't do
Going through every out I used to cop to make the repetition stop
What was I supposed to say?

Now I never leave my zone, we're both alone
I'm going home
I wish I'd never seen your face

My heart aches

Thoughts of Chantz keep me up at night.
Sometimes I'm angry enough to really wish I had never met him.
I wouldn't have known such sorrow if  I had never dated him, only to just lose him in the end.
But I also wouldn't have known love like I did, especially at such a young age when most date so frivolously.

I don't love lightly.
It took me a long time to fall in love with Chantz.
And even longer to realize that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him someday.

I don't want to become bitter or cynical, but when I think about the entire situation, what else can I be?
Thankful? Optimistic?..I'm just not there yet.
I am in love with a ghost, with someone I yearn for every day and will never have again.
The concept of hope doesn't exist here.
But the concept of healing does.

Laugh when you can.

I have to scream it from the mountain tops!!!!...but since I don't have a mountain, and I do in fact have a blog I figured I would share here instead.

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!

I woke up with a smile on my face.
I felt like old me, all day today.
There was a pressure in my chest...it's that feeling that lets you know you're alive....it's like your soul's heart is beating too, not just your body's.
That's been missing for 8 months.
There have been times when I've felt it but it's never been a full day.

I felt like a normal college student today. I talked to my favorite professor who I've let down this semester and patched things up with her. Went to my class and enjoyed it so much, I forgot how much I love learning and studying what I'm passionate about. And went to the movies for half price night.
Today was simple.
And so very beautiful.

I even texted my mother and two best friends to tell them about it, because obviously they had nothing better to do than to sit there and read my messages.

Every victory has to be celebrated, no matter how small.

This feeling also intensified the longing I have for Chantz though. I've wanted to call him and tell him about my good day.
That's the thing though...the more alive you feel, the more of everything you can feel too.
But somehow, knowing I couldn't talk to him didn't bring me down like it always does. I think he already knows..somewhere, even if it's just in my head. He knows that today was a good day, and he's proud of me for staying around for so long to experience happiness once more.


I am alive.

Hope       Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm. I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity, It asked a crumb of me.

4/6/11

I don't want you to answer this part, I want you to keep it in. You are the love of my life. You are everything I've ever wanted in a girlfriend or someone to spend the rest of my life with. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, inside and out. I love you Veronica.

Chantz

I miss the way you held my heart.


Why can't love be everything? Why can't if fix it all or save that person??
How can you love someone so much and it still doesn't make a difference?
I came back that night..and it still didn't matter.
I don't think I will ever understand that

Days like these make me think more about what's on the other side waiting for me than what's in store for me in this life.
One should either feel alive or dead. Not both at the same time.

Eight months today, and it hasn't gotten any easier to live without you.

Even though I stopped drinking as a way of coping, I've done just that every sixth without fail. It's almost like I'm trying to revert back to self destruction. I think today/technically tomorrow I will spend my day in a way that I know honors you.
I started drawing and painting more like you wanted me to. I'm even thinking about displaying it at an art function pretty soon. You're the one person who encouraged me the most in that aspect, and I just wish you were here to see it.  I used one of the canvases and paints you got me a little over a month ago. I was so afraid I'd ruin it and wouldn't be able to fix it, and then I would have to buy my own canvases that didn't come from you. But no worries cause it actually was decent.
I think I will spend tomorrow painting the other canvas you got me.

For you
<3