Rage

I keep coming back to this one.

Someone said to me:
"I know it must be hard when the world moves on and you are left in the aftermath of his decision."
They said that perfectly. I am so trapped by his decision. To this day. I am so angry with him for doing that. For promising to never put me through this and doing it two weeks later. For abandoning me, and not giving himself a chance. For robbing me of my youth and ingraining in my memory the horror of seeing him that way. I am angry with myself for not getting there faster. For not saving him, or stopping it. With his parents for the way they treated him and pretending like they didn't do this to him..he always felt helpless and not accepted. And for making me feel even more helpless when it happened. With his brother for his hatefulness those last weeks. With my mother for not understanding and being what she needed to be. With her controlling nature and trying to own my grief, and making me feel the same way Chantz's parents used to make him feel. With family members that tell me I need to move on and are surprised that I still haven't. As if there weren't feelings of betrayal associated with me moving on, or it were that damn easy. With my brother for not being there in any way. With those that moved on so quickly. With a roomate that thought the most insignificant things were worth crying over as if her life were about to end. With those that didn't know him that well and acted like they suffered a profound loss. With those that asked why he didn't go to them, when they were NEVER there for him while he was alive. If you want someone to go to you in their time of need, make sure you're there for them when that isn't the case. With those that judged him, amd judge(d) me as well. With the few that tried to shove the bible down my throat so I could "cope." With those "Christians" that claim their god is everything but their god's love was nowhere to be seen. I found more love, support and acceptance in those that dont believe in God, than in those that claim he is their everything. These thoughts are ugly, I am aware, but they are also real, and a part of this process I have to own and work through, just like everything else.

But mostly I am so angry because I am so helpless sometimes. So powerless to the entire situation, except in my acceptance.
I hate it.
If his decision was the catalyst to everything I've gone through these last ten months, then why is it that I had no influence over it? If something's going to change your life so drastically, shouldn't you at least get a fucking say in the matter?

When I come back to anger I burn all bridges and everything I've built so far. I dont think I've ever been consumed by such rage before..but that's really it though, it consumes me. No one else. My anger is only poisoning me.
Each time I come back to it it's different though, it's working through what I haven't dealt with yet. I'm hoping that the circularity of it will eventually end.
Only when I think I am done with a stage for good, it shows its ugly head again. But for my part, I am working in not destroying everything I've accomplished so far. It would take so little time to do so but far longer to start over again. I'm tired of starting over.
And the thing with acceptance, is that you realize that you can't fix it anymore, so you strive for peace.
I didnt want that for so long, it would mean he was really gone...but he is. And I want to do more than just survive. I want to live. I want to love. I want to be at peace.
I'm happy that I'm back in school, and that I'm looking for a job, and doing certain productive things as well as doing this benefit concert in a couple of days.
I'm cutting back on some of my vices, but that's the hardest part. All those vices only delude me into thinking I'm doing better because they make me feel significantly less. I'm working on that too.