April 18, 2013

Sometimes I'm filled with guilt for still being heart broken about this when there are much bigger things going on around me. Terrible tragedies and sorrows; people losing loved ones when their loved ones had no choice in the matter. But I guess that's how it usually is with everyone. You assume that anyone who's ever experienced a tragedy and survived it is eventually "all better" because you don't see any outer signs that point in any other direction. It's just about learning to live with whatever it is, and to mask it, and carry it with grace, kindness, bitterness, or aloofness. Take your pick.

Today, I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed by all this pain going on around us every day, and the tragedies that keep plaguing this world. Yet the world keeps turning for most. It's so easy for us to ignore it so it doesn't bring us down, or prompt us to be the change the world needs. An acknowledgement or a prayer make us feel like we are doing something, then we quickly turn around and continue to be ugly toward one another. Somewhere out there, several someones are starting their journey to their own personal hell, and it will be a long time until they make it out of it, if at all. We can't be there for everyone in the world, but I urge you to be kind to those around you, you don't know their journey - their pain, or what your actions could mean. Life is already hard enough without our help, and we should try to make it as beautiful as possible for ourselves and others.

Thinking of you, as always. Love you forever.

reminders

For a couple of weeks now I've been aware of the second year mark getting closer and closer, but this morning as I was driving to school it really hit me...maybe it's because it's the first of the month, I'm not sure. But it was like a ton of bricks in my heart. One second I was singing along to crappy morning music, and the next all I could think of was your goofy smile and how much you would love this crazy heat we're experiencing.  This is still a very deep wound, and there are still ripple effects from two years ago. I know those will disappear in due time, and  there will  come a day when my day-to-day life won't be affected by your choices and the choices I made during my grief; eventually you will just be someone I carry in my heart with the utmost love...but it's almost two years, and that has yet to happen. Sometimes I still think there will be a time when I'm finally "okay," but I've come to the realization that it doesn't exist in the way I've hoped.  And I guess that's alright, it shows how important you were and still are to me.

I ran across something I wrote around this time last year:

" I think the biggest thing that this one year mark will bring is that instead of my grief being tied to a certain day or the approach of certain days, it will just be there. The reality of his absence will just be here all the time...not in a haunting way, but perhaps as a reminder to live beautifully. To love as much as I can. That he existed, and just because he doesn't anymore, it doesn't change what we did have at some point in time."

 That's what it has been like this year, just a constant. It was the same yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow and forever, and ever, and ever.  The first year was the hardest, everything was new, terrifying, and incredibly surreal...now I know what to avoid, and how to cope in a way that's "socially acceptable" and wont hinder my school, work and over all well-being. I know how to keep the tears that must come until I am able to let them out on my own. For we all need to cry here and there. It's not something I need to tell everyone anymore or talk about constantly so they don't forget him or what happened. It's just a part of me, and whether someone knows, sees it, or understands doesn't make much of a difference anymore.
Two long years...But also two incredible years. I'm in awe by how much beauty I've experienced first hand. The power of friendship, perspective, loyalty,  memories, and second loves...it is just so much more than I expected...all this beauty.

Be patient and tough; one day this pain will be useful to you.

23

The anticipation of this birthday has been somewhat tougher than last year's. I think it has to do with the fact that your absence is a concrete fact in my life now, and that it will be for the rest of time.
It has been a wonderful and hectic year as well, filled with so much healing, love, and creating a new life for myself, but my heart has been very heavy for a few weeks now.
Our 20's are supposed to be wonderful, and carefree. A time when we are open to every possibility this world has to offer. A time when we can pursue any path we choose and not suffer the severe consequences of our mistakes. A time when we make friends as young adults that could possibly lead to friendships of a lifetime. A time to fall in and out of love, and that be the worst thing that could happen to us. A time when we feel invincible, as we will never feel the bitter sting of loss or death. A time to travel and start over as many times as we may choose. A time to be poor as dirt, and be okay with it. A time to truly take flight and do everything and anything we want. Our youth is so precious, and to not spend every ounce of it on life is an abomination.
I can only imagine all the paths you would've taken. And today, I will think of you and carry you in my heart as I do daily, but I will not mourn you. You taught me so much about life, death, love and loss, and I'm still amazed at everything you teach me daily. Your life was short, but you lived with such ferocity. I will remember that today.

Happy Birthday Chantz, I miss you daily and love you dearly.

Benefit #2

This has to matter. It has to make some sort of change...a slight difference, even if it's just for one individual.

you are never alone. http://www.twloha.com/

Friend

One year. Ten months.

How was I able to make it to the point where I could walk on my own two feet again? Where I could think about life more than death. To where I could put unanswerable questions behind me and look forward to life.
So much has been because of you.

When I could see nothing but the darkness that engulfed my very soul, you reminded me that there was a beautiful life before all of this, and one after, filled with so much beauty, happiness, and kindness, because and in spite of this.
When everyone said that it was "time to move on," you stood by my side and told me to take all the time I needed. But when necessary, you gave me a gentle push here and there, reminding me to put one foot in front of the other.
As time moves forward, and everyone else forgets, as they always seem to do, you still know what's going on in the depths of my mind regardless of the silence. You know when I'm lost in a memory, or a regret. Or a simple thought of one long gone.
You refuse to let me live in fear, justified or not, and remind me of that fearless person I once was.

Friend,
You were always there, and I wish I could express what that has meant to me every day. My heart is so full from having first experienced the healing power of love, and I wouldn't have made it here today if it weren't for you.
This is for you,
I love you.

                                                               

                                                                               

June.

You've missed out on so much living. It still strikes me when I think about how long it's been since you last were here.

April 3, 2012

Don't we all have those days? Getting on with our days when they're suddenly interrupted, sometimes self-imposed, and we're instantly reminded of all that was lost, and all that could've been; an entire day is derailed. Another moment taken hostage by the past and its ghosts. Dwelling on what's forever lost is one of the most tragic flaws an individual can possess, yet, I still miss you daily and think about who you were supposed to be.