Words.

There's still oceans worth of you here, in the world you left behind. It's like a haunting. This is why I sometimes still feel stuck. 
I look at myself and I know and accept that I am here, and you are far gone from the one existence I've known my entire life. But sometimes there's a fear that ignites within me. As if you're never going to let me "fully recover". And other times there is comfort instead. Like there's a part of you still in this world. A song, a letter, a story. And it doesn't have to be with me, not anymore anyway, it just is..somewhere out there, and all is well again. It's probably a psychosomatic manifestation; a fear, and guilt on my behalf. And that's even worse. I want to put you in a very special place and remember everything about you, but I don't want this to be the one moment in my life that defines me. That keeps me from moving forward and makes me miss out on the good and the beautiful of this world. Self sabotaging was always something I could do exceptionally well.


You..this, needs to be put in its place. 

I need these words to work. To be what they need to be. To communicate my confusion and lack of direction at times. Because as of lately, it seems that I'm just running my mouth. I might've just run out of new ways to express what's going on inside of me. Maybe I'll come back when that changes.

I used to talk to anyone that would listen and write unedited thoughts out...self disclosure was second nature. As time continues to pass, I'm finding it harder to do this. I wanted to write here because I wanted to help myself and others along the way. This, I know, is a lifelong journey, but maybe I'm reaching a point where it's time to stop talking about all of it and just apply it as I go. Maybe then I will be able to put you where it is that you'll be for the rest of my life. 

You've written my story backwards. You've taken your chapter out of my book. Now you're just a prologue. A dedication.

For you.