Bittersweet and strange, knowing you can change

Today was a good day.
This week was the first good week I've had in Texas since Chantz passed away.

Some take good days for granted because they are so common. I used to be one of those people.
Now, it's nearly miraculous.
I still cried...and my heart is still shattered...but among that, I felt okay too.
I felt like I could reallly survive this. I knew I would, but feeling it is a different thing. We are beings ruled by reason AND feelings. Sometimes the latter.

These are the things that made it a good week:

1. I am finally back with my precious kittens and they are so full of personality and innocence
2. I cooked a lot this week and made many things from scratch
3. I smoked only two cigarettes this whole week
4. I finished a book and am already halfway done a second one
5. A beautiful friend just got engaged!
6. I went to all my classes this week for the first time this semester
7. A friend lent me a video where Chantz is playing a show and then comes and sits next to me once he's finished. I got to see us interact for a few minutes and I even heard his laughter. It made my heart swell so much.
8. I watched Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin today. It brought back childhood happiness
9. I cooked for two friends tonight as opposed for just myself which is extremely lonely
10. I was super stressed over school, studying, and tests + not smoking at the same time, which made me feel like a normal college student for once in a very LONG time. It's refreshing to feel normal sometimes.
11. I remembered new memories of Chantz and I.
12. Before Spring Break I've cried every day since Chantz passed away. Now I can go a day or two between crying.
13. Tonight I heard the heart-wrenching story of a survivor of rape and a murder attempt. She's getting married next week.

I can do this. We all can. It just takes...wait for ittttt....my most "favorite" word....time

A month ago, I couldn't even think of three good things about any day.(Progress!)


I miss you.
Every day.
I will always love you but I think I need to start looking for the good in life again..one step at a time.
I know that's what you would want.
Please know that I am actually trying, I want you to see.
But also understand that I will stumble so much along the way
I love you very much.
-Your Veronica